Most of you don't know me, and honestly I think very few people actually read this, but its not for any of you, that I write, its for myself.

I have a laundry list of things that I should be doing, but seeing that I haven't written in sometime I felt inspired to spend a few minutes writing down my thoughts. Pen to paper, pen to paper, pen to paper. At some point some brilliant person made the assertion that when we write our thoughts down, that they become less of a burden, that somehow admitting them either aloud or in this type of forum, or simply in a journal it frees our mind of the weight of the baggage that we were carrying. This is precisely the reason I write.

I am not carrying much baggage at the moment. However, my mind has been a flurry with thoughts and ideas, and the prospect of bigger things, and longer journeys, new adventures and an infinitely long story. I have been picking up books, and beginning to read them, only to get a few chapters into their narrative and realize that it is not their story I wish to be reading, the story that I am so entranced by is my own. For a long time, I believed that my story was sedentary, it was stuck, immovable, it was as it is, and forever it shall remain. I realize now, that I was wrong. A life, my life is written the same way as any of the greatest novels, there is always a beginning, there will surely be an ending, but the middle, its not a narrative that is defined by one plot line, or one choice, or one single path down a long perilous road, but its a series of plots, sure they likely all end the same way, but we have the power to determine the plot of our own story. We can change the plot, pick a new path, find new things to love, or pursue and keep going.


Changing plot lines, doesn't mean that you give up what you had, or forget what you knew, to me its the idea that you have the power to choose your story. For example, in the first chapter you were cast as Cinderella, the daughter of a Duke, destined for wealth and love and happiness, by the second chapter, you've lost everything and are now living in the maids quarters of your own home, penniless and starving, and somewhere in the middle there you find yourself, fairy godmother or not, and in the end you end up, quite possibly where you were always meant to be. The story, when looked at in black and white doesn't have to make sense, what you do today, may not always bring the tomorrow you had hoped that it would, but it doesn't make it any less right or plausible.

Plausible, granted, is not necessarily what we all want in life right, the plausible idea of a life well lived or a road that will lead us where we want to be? But really, who is to say that all of the roads have already been traveled, that I wasn't meant to travel the world, to follow a map to its edges, to change hemispheres, sleep under unfamiliar stars, who is to say that we all aren't destined for adventures and lives just as grand. I have two children, and to me and for them, I think how incredibly blessed I am to have this life with them, to look into their eyes each night and appreciate the love and the curiosity and the pure magic they see in the world, and then I am reminded of what our present world looks like. I have no power to change the current way of the world, the harsh realities that plague it, but as a parent I have to think, that I still have the power to show them the wonder, to gaze into a setting sunset from a snow covered hill, to appreciate all of lives miracles down to the tiniest of details.

I want to change my plot line, I want to change from suburban housewife to world traveler, not to live in the lap of luxury but to immerse my children in the incredible power of this world we have been fortunate enough to be cast down upon. To see the vastness of the oceans, and the infinite reach of the nights sky. To embrace that I am a dreamer, and to show them, that they can be dreamers too. I think we as Americans are taught that we have to work, we must work hard, we must win, we must be the wealthiest, have the biggest house, and the best of everything. I used to think that way too, until recently. I realized that "home" is not a place but a feeling. When you understand that, that the things we have do not define our strengths or our weaknesses we realize the wealth of opportunities that we are blessed with. The chance to start anew or to trudge on as we were, only with the new idealization that it is not things that measure our success in life, but it is ourselves.

I feel as though I am rambling, and am probably the only person who can even understand my crazy brain, ha I tend to jump around in my though processes a lot. The point I am trying to make is that, we are all living this life, and we have to choose to either be stuck in a hamster wheel just running to get to the top, to then do what? Or we can set out and choose our path, find out destiny, seek out the road less traveled and learn along the way. I think it serves our children, our nation, and our world much better if we could just get back to our roots, to understand each other's heritage by immersing ourselves in each others' cultures, by enjoying what makes us all unique, and embracing that this life, this world, is truly miraculous, and we only have this one life to live it.

Is it wrong that I don't care what society thinks? I don't care what I am supposed to do, I just want to be me, with no expectations. A dorky, hot mess of a mom, who is sometimes funny, almost always clumsy, and is really really bad at responding to text messages and returning phone calls. Cant we all just accept that this is who I am, who we all are, and move the F*$@ on?! Take it or leave it. I am a hopeless romantic that wants to travel the world, unearth buried treasure, sail the high seas, dance all night, sing at the top of my lungs, love infinitely, and when my day has come, look back on a life so full, that I have nothing to regret, no stone left unturned, no part of my story yet to be completed. This is my life, and I am going to live it.

Who's going with me?

CONFESSION TIME.... IT IS IN FACT POSSIBLE TO BE "TOO GOOD" AT YOUR JOB. IT IS ALSO POSSIBLE, TO BE SO GOOD, THAT YOU ARE FIRED, AHEM "SEPERATED" FROM IT BECAUSE YOU ARE OVERQUALIFIED FOR YOUR POSITION. 


Yup, I was separated from my employment last week.  It is honestly a rather laughable situation when you read the first paragraph above. I seriously was "separated from employment," because my 5 year plans were too grand (advancement in any means, and a full work load), and I was clearly over qualified for my current position, so they had no choice but to let me go, for my own good, of course! Ha! I have never been so shocked in all of my life. But like I mentioned in my last post, before this heinous crime on American work ethic and drive occurred, my life has been a bit tumultuous as of late, so it is probably for the best.

In all honesty, I was feeling rather dissatisfied, with being handed crumbs to work on instead of the whole pie. I learned a lot from the situation, I learned even more about how to ethically treat people in the work place, and how to value work product and motivation.  I do no know that I will ever understand the idea of firing an employee because they are over qualified, want to advance within the company, are willing to work harder than they currently are, and are asking to sit idle as little as possible. In my world that equivalates to the ideal employee. I guess not in this case. I had to deal with all sorts of Human Resources violations and was absolutely wrongfully terminated, but I hold the company itself with the highest regards, and I would hate to tarnish their brand, simply because one of their employees is absolutely terrible at their job. It is rather unfortunate, because, while I don't plan on pursuing this further, at some point someone will, and it kills me that a great company will be harmed in the process.

Gosh, this whole scenario is such a strange thing. So anyways, back to sliding doors, that door has closed and its time for me to start afresh slide open a new shiny door, and seek gainful employment elsewhere. I do have to decide, where this leaves me. This is a great opportunity to take a look at what it is that I loved about my job, what I excelled at, and what things left me mightily discouraged.  I am confident that I will find something else, but my overarching desire to change the world, to change things, to be a meaningful member of society and to make a mark on this beautiful world, is still there, and that has me baffled. When I went back to work, I do so with gratefulness and ease, and was excited at the idea of re-entering the work place after being a stay at home mom for so many years. This time around, with the tears still fresh, the ink from the printer still drying I have to ask myself, if going back and doing meaningless clerical work, is what I want to do, or if this is the opportunity to change the game. Is it?! How do we know, when it is time, to throw a wrench in the motor, stop everything and change course? Is there some type of sign that drops down from the sky and tells you, this is it, this is your chance to change the world, this is the day you've been waiting for, the cause you have been fighting for all along, the chance to change things, this is IT.

I find it hard to believe, that something like that would just magically fall from the sky and land in my lap, but I also absolutely love the idea of making something from nothing, from creating a beautiful, articulate, lovely picture of a life from scraps and broken pieces.  People do it all of the time, so why not me? I am excited, I am encouraged. I have yet to figure out what it is, this thing, this cause, but today, on the eve of what already is the greatest step forward in woman's rights since 1789, I suppose it's a great day to dream big dreams. A woman is on the ticket for President of the United States, she did it, for all of us. She dreamed a dream, sat beside a man who was there, and is now doing it for herself and our nation. I have no idea what her term will look like if elected into office, but I do know, that she is changing the game for women everywhere, and for that, irregardless of what you do or do not think of the candidates or where your vote will fall, we should all be standing together. This is a momentous occasion, women have changed the world. This is my moment, my blessing in disguise, my chance to be a phoenix and rise from the ashes anew. I may not be an electoral candidate but I am still capable of much more than even I know yet, and no man shall ever put asunder what I myself decide to do. I will change the world, I will be the change I wish to see, and that will be enough.

Thanks for listening.
Xo

I must confess, and be really utterly honest with you all. I am selfish, ridiculously selfish, and I am using this blog as a place where I can come and write and be honest not only with myself but with all of you.

The people whom I share this life with, do not know of it's existence and it is not for them that I am writing. I am here because I live this, "rose colored glasses" life, where the assumption is that I am to behave a specific way or act a certain way, and honestly I am so tired of trying to be other peoples' expectation of me. I would just like to be liked and appreciated for me. For the thoughts and ramblings of my incoherent mind, the depressed and anxiety riddled mess of a woman that I am. It is for those things that I would like to be listened to, to be heard.

My story isn't meant to illicit apologies or confessions of shared experiences, or even accommodations for the life I lead, but I want to be heard. Even if the people that are listening, are few and far between and are not people I will ever come to know, I am glad you are listening.

I must too apologize, for my lack of true writing skills. I would love to be a writer, to sit in a cafe and write life changing, unapologetic literature, the things that invoke such emotion that you walk away feeling as though a part of you as either been ripped out or has been put back. That some fear has been made rational, that some definition of love has been spelled out, that somehow you have found a resolution that you didn't quite know you needed but you found none the less. That's what I want, to be able to write in a way that I can find those resolutions not only for myself, but maybe help others to find it as well.

I must digress though, and remind you, that I am not that person. I am not someone sitting in a cafe writing beautiful literature, sipping on coffee, and writing beautiful pieces, I am the person reading the writing of others and seemingly dreaming of a life where words flowed through me, the same way that they flow through them. That my feelings could somehow transcend space and time, and would just pour out of my fingers all the thoughts and feelings and raw emotions that I feel, that my soul could just be lost in this keyboard and be found on the pages of this blog.

I often feel as though I am a ship lost at sea, I actually wrote a letter once, to my husband, and then shared it with those I felt closest with, when my struggle with Lupus really kicked up, my clinical trial had rounded out unexpectedly and I started a new course of treatment. With Lupus nothing is guaranteed, in terms of day to day contentment etc, but with these new meds, these new awesome infusions come, great, ridiculously great success at managing most of my symptoms, but they also brought on with ravenous force anxiety I had never quite experienced and a depression as unforgiving.

I was lost, lost inside myself, lost deep within a hole, wanting so desperately to find my way out, but alas all that I could muster the strength to do, was to sit, inside my hole, in the deep dark loneliness of my soul and wither away.  So, I wrote a letter, I promised, I vowed that while I was a ship sailing in the darkness of the ocean, with no course and no path that I would find my way, to leave the light house lit and I would eventually make it out of this sea of darkness, that my life would somehow come back together, that within my dimly lit hole I would turn and see the ladder that has always somehow been sitting, right there waiting for me to climb up and out. But that right now, in this moment, where I am, the mere thought of moving seemed superfluous, that even the knowledge of a ladder and help and freedom, of a map or a compass to guide me home, that I still couldn't do it. The most that I could do, was confess that I was lost, confess that I needed help, because I wasn't strong enough to do it alone, but the hardest part was to confess that even with all the help in the world, that it had to be me. That I HAD to be the one to find the strength to climb out of the hole, to point my compass, to follow the light and to make it home.

So I wrote the letter, I shared it with those closest and it hurt them, it scared them, perhaps it made them realize parts of them, they didn't know were there, or fears they also share, maybe it was the reality of where I really am, beyond the shiny plastic covered exterior or rose colored glasses and a fake smile, but the true nature of my soul. It is in those moments though, when it is so hard to be selfish, you have to be, relentlessly so, because someone has to take care of you, someone has to be there to get you the FUCK out of the hole, but they are hurt, you've hurt those who are supposed to help you, because they don know how to do it. They have no clue how to heal this hurt that they either can not understand or do not wish to understand and so they mourn, and they pull away and they do the best they can to protect themselves, in an effort to do what they would assume is helping the general outcome of your situation. But it doesn't help, it adds to the frustration, and you sort of implode.

Well I imploded in January, its now November, I do think that I made it out of the hole, but this idea, of depression, of anxiety, it is something that I do not think that anyone can possibly relate to unless they have been in this place. It is not a choice, you do not have a choice whether you can or can not move, you are simply frozen, watching life pass you by, trying to sit, and stare, and smile, and nod and act as though there is some part of you that is still real, that you are still in there somewhere, but it is gone, it is lost and that idea, that particular thought, is a very hard concept to understand. I guess I could compare it to the idea of sitting on a train as you whiz through a city at full speed, or through a forest of trees and you glue your face to the window, determined that even though the train is barreling on at full speed and everything is a blur, that you will make out the people in the distance, or the animal peeking out of the trees. Honestly, you can not tell one tree from the next or determine if there is one person or two, you are moving so quickly that everything becomes blurred and you are powerless to change how quickly that version of life is passing you by. I think that's a good description of depression, it is this idea that life keeps going, at what seems like an incredible speed, and you are stuck sitting at the train station, watching train after train pass by, and never fully being able to get on the train and continue on your journey. It is such a strange thing, for so long I simply wanted to find a way to find the words to describe what it was like, what this felt like, why this was so hard, finding the words to explain something that you can't quite understand yourself is such a difficult thing to do. I still do not know that I understand the complexities of the mind, but I do understand that this treatment, these medicines are helping my lupus, and my mind is far less important than the over arching implications of worsening SLE. So I will sit, and wait, and work, to get myself back together.

Through this though, seeing life from the opposite side of things, I have come to a few conclusions. 1. I do not need to apologize for who I am. Whether I am having a good day or a bad day, the company I keep should understand that I am not perfect, I am human, I make mistakes and their will be good days and bad days, the good will surely outnumber the bad, but during those bad days my character should not be called into question.
2. Appearance is only skin deep. You should never judge someone by their ability to play the character they've been cast to play. I have a very extensive role, wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc. and while all of those roles include attending family bbq's, or getting my nails done, or going shopping, or going to practices and PTA meetings, that while I may in fact muster up the strength or the courage to do those things, that it was not easy. It did not come without difficulty and it does not come without consequences. Everything that I do, whether it is sitting laughing at a silly joke, or making random small talk with a stranger or my best friend, it is all difficult, it all takes effort and strength, and sometimes it is done through pain stricken eyes, and a pain stricken body and mind. When you have a chronic illness you are forced to become an incredible actor. You have two choices, choice number 1 being, let your disease win, lie in bed all day, never get up because just getting up is a struggle, and wallow in self pity. Choice number 2 is far more challenging, and requires you getting up, putting on your make up, making yourself look like a decent human being, finding every bit of strength you have and investing it in all of your relationships, giving selflessly until you literally have nothing left at the end of the day. I give every day to my children, to my family, to my friends, if ever there is someone that needs something, a friend in need, or a family member who needs help, I will be there, even if I have to drag my limp body across the floor to get there,  I will be. My selflessness does not mean that I am fine, or that it wasn't a challenge to get there, it just means that I value those around me, more than I value myself. I will always place someone else's worth above my own, because that is what I have to give. It is not much, it is not always enough, but I will consistently give to those who need it, ALWAYS.

I have so many more thoughts, but this is a Wednesday after all, and I do not even know that their is anyone reading this, or anyone who cares to read this. It is real and raw, and poorly written and is part of the story of my life, I guess it is more of a snippet of my thoughts and realizations of myself. I am going through some stuff right now, and I am trying to work my way through it. I use my fashion blog on Instagram as a way of forcing myself to get up, get dressed, and despite all odds, and all judgement make myself at least resemble a put together person. It is all a facade, you might as well call me the Wizard because my life is centered around the concept of OZ.

I will write more tomorrow, or later today, or some other time. If this resonates with you, feel free to comment, misery loves company, and company loves to listen and vent. I am always happy to share my story and to listen to your own. Anyways, this is me, take it, leave it, accept it, or move on to the next blog.




Unapologetic-ally yours,
Serenity

Hey,

So you will have to forgive me as I get acclimated to this whole idea of blogging. I have SOOOOO freaking much to say, and well, I need a place to say it. I don't necessarily care if you approve of what I am saying, or even how invested you are, in what I am doing with my life. Mostly, I need a place to come and celebrate life's small victories and really seriously complain about life's miseries. Haha! Ya'll are so excited aren't you?

I sound amazing! Ha. I am totally not that bad. So my name is, Serenity, I am slightly crazy, super dorky and mostly a delight to be around. I am married and I have two littles. My son (aptly coined Bear) is nearly 9, and my daughter (aptly named Bug) is nearly 7. I am nearly 31! Argh, where did the time go?! I feel so old as of late. I know I know, 31 is like the new 15 or some shit like that, but I don't feel 15, I feel 31.

So as I was saying, or writing or whatever, I am a mother of two, a wife, ex-stay at home mom, newly employed worker bee, and PTA President( Go me!----GAG). My life is seriously ridiculously busy, and meanwhile I also have LUPUS!!!! If you don't know what that means, essentially its like winning the sickness library. Literally anytime, I mean ANYTIME I get sick, whether it's "cold/flu like symptoms" or freaking Pleurisy, its JUST my lupus. My hands and feet swell, thats the lupus, I have a 102 degree fever, you guessed it- LUPUS. It's pretty much super annoying and crappy and I am so over doctors telling me, that I have everything in the world, and it is all just my Lupus. The crappy part is, that they say that as a polite way of saying sorry but you are F*cked and there is nothing we can do about it. You just get to feel like sh*t all the time and grin and bear it. I am not grinning. I am not amused body, NOT. AMUSED.

But in all seriousness, my lupus is a very small part of my life. I mean it controls everything I do, and don't do and my everything, but I like to pretend its not there because, you know, those days where its really bad, there is no hiding from it. It's like an earthquake and fire and brimstone and volcanic ash and lava and a lot of really crappy crap, so the rest of the time, I tell myself I am just Peachy Freaking Keen.

I am a total hot mess, I do not have my sh*t together, if you can't already tell. I am just another mom, trying to make it, doing something. I currently spend most of my time attempting to be a halfway decent Instagram Fashion Blogger. I do LOVE clothes, and getting dressed, and finding deals, so check out my instagram, follow along etc... If you ever need advice on where to find a great deal or what to find, send me a message, comment, something- I am the best- like if they gave awards for the best deal finder when it comes to clothes- I would absolutely win that trophy. Ha! I am ridiculous, and I hope you are all excited to follow along and learn more about the day to day life and fashion of me.

This is going to be honest, raw, emotion felt, and full of entertainment. If you hate it, I never liked you anyway, and if you love it, spread the love, someone else might enjoy it too.


-Serenity