SUDDENLY SERENITY

Heavy Hearts, create the purest souls

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

I really wish I could write more often, I know, I know, I am the only person preventing myself from writing, but it just keeps getting pushed to the back burner.

These last few weeks, months even, have felt like my life is some sort of episodic chaos based reality tv show. Maybe a modern day Truman Show, where the world just keeps tossing me curve balls to see how I handle them. To test my grace, and balance, my agility and where withal. Let me just say, it has been tested, I am not even sure I'm winning at this point, is there a winning in this paradigm? Who knows.. but what I do know, is that I am eagerly awaiting a time that is drama free, one without constant chaos, and one in which I can both follow and listen to the wantings of my heart.

My heart has been hurting for some time now, I have long since recognized that I am an empath, someone who can easily place themselves in the mindset of the broken, or injured, I can feel their pain, mourn their pain as though it was my own. I don't know that this is something that I really do, as opposed to something that is just my nature. I feel things, I feel things so deeply that I often wonder how it is possible to feel so much all at once. Some days I feel so much joy, and love, and excitement and I dream that the day wont end, that I can stay in this moment, or moments forever, that this joy is the joy that dreams are made of, that it is safe to celebrate them, because surely it will last. alas, it never lasts. I swear it is some sort of curse, to feel with so much of yourself, and then undoubtedly be let down by the weight of your own dreams, or reality. I do that a lot, build things up in my head, dream up the perfect birthday, and assume that I am lucky enough to have it, I will think about every last detail and place so much stock in it coming true, and believing that somehow my innate worth is tethered to these details, and always, without fail, without hesitation, and regret, or any warning, it never is as I have planned. Its a day, just like any other day, and who is to say, that I deserve something more? I don't, I deserve a day like any other day, but my head, this crazy head of mine, has so much power, I cant seem to make it remember that, sometimes, this, this life, has to be enough.

I am rambling, I'm not even sure what I wanted this piece to be about. I guess it focuses on an incredibly unfortunate event that happened recently, and the impact it had on me. I felt a pain, that no one else seemed to understand, they couldn't see how it felt so close, so tethered to me. I felt a sense of responsibility to help fix the situation, I wanted to help, I wanted to do what I always say, be a voice for the voiceless, and even when I did say things, and say all of the right things, it did nothing to lift the weight from my chest, the pain from my heart, or to resolute the problem in any way. I just hurt, my heart hurts.

Every day we are faced with tragedy in our schools, in our communities, in our world, and so many of them are senseless. I cant seem to understand why these things keep happening or what we can do differently but I feel as though, doing nothing, is being complacent. As if, because I am not actively working to prevent these senseless tragedies from happening that I am as guilty as the culprit. Are we as a society all guilty? Where do we draw the line, when do we stand up and take action, when do we protect our own, our communities our world? When is enough, enough? Why haven't we figured this stuff out yet?

I cant even manage to control my own life, and my own destiny much less that of the world... perhaps its just me, a friend once told me that, "I like to play the martyr," maybe that's true. Maybe I want to be a martyr, or maybe its just what this world has made me into, I honestly cant say which it is. Maybe it is my destiny to never know, or maybe just maybe, I can find a way to do all of the things, I so desperately want to achieve.

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Inexplicable

Sunday, February 05, 2017

adventure

it's my life.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Most of you don't know me, and honestly I think very few people actually read this, but its not for any of you, that I write, its for myself.

I have a laundry list of things that I should be doing, but seeing that I haven't written in sometime I felt inspired to spend a few minutes writing down my thoughts. Pen to paper, pen to paper, pen to paper. At some point some brilliant person made the assertion that when we write our thoughts down, that they become less of a burden, that somehow admitting them either aloud or in this type of forum, or simply in a journal it frees our mind of the weight of the baggage that we were carrying. This is precisely the reason I write.

I am not carrying much baggage at the moment. However, my mind has been a flurry with thoughts and ideas, and the prospect of bigger things, and longer journeys, new adventures and an infinitely long story. I have been picking up books, and beginning to read them, only to get a few chapters into their narrative and realize that it is not their story I wish to be reading, the story that I am so entranced by is my own. For a long time, I believed that my story was sedentary, it was stuck, immovable, it was as it is, and forever it shall remain. I realize now, that I was wrong. A life, my life is written the same way as any of the greatest novels, there is always a beginning, there will surely be an ending, but the middle, its not a narrative that is defined by one plot line, or one choice, or one single path down a long perilous road, but its a series of plots, sure they likely all end the same way, but we have the power to determine the plot of our own story. We can change the plot, pick a new path, find new things to love, or pursue and keep going.

Changing plot lines, doesn't mean that you give up what you had, or forget what you knew, to me its the idea that you have the power to choose your story. For example, in the first chapter you were cast as Cinderella, the daughter of a Duke, destined for wealth and love and happiness, by the second chapter, you've lost everything and are now living in the maids quarters of your own home, penniless and starving, and somewhere in the middle there you find yourself, fairy godmother or not, and in the end you end up, quite possibly where you were always meant to be. The story, when looked at in black and white doesn't have to make sense, what you do today, may not always bring the tomorrow you had hoped that it would, but it doesn't make it any less right or plausible.

Plausible, granted, is not necessarily what we all want in life right, the plausible idea of a life well lived or a road that will lead us where we want to be? But really, who is to say that all of the roads have already been traveled, that I wasn't meant to travel the world, to follow a map to its edges, to change hemispheres, sleep under unfamiliar stars, who is to say that we all aren't destined for adventures and lives just as grand. I have two children, and to me and for them, I think how incredibly blessed I am to have this life with them, to look into their eyes each night and appreciate the love and the curiosity and the pure magic they see in the world, and then I am reminded of what our present world looks like. I have no power to change the current way of the world, the harsh realities that plague it, but as a parent I have to think, that I still have the power to show them the wonder, to gaze into a setting sunset from a snow covered hill, to appreciate all of lives miracles down to the tiniest of details.

I want to change my plot line, I want to change from suburban housewife to world traveler, not to live in the lap of luxury but to immerse my children in the incredible power of this world we have been fortunate enough to be cast down upon. To see the vastness of the oceans, and the infinite reach of the nights sky. To embrace that I am a dreamer, and to show them, that they can be dreamers too. I think we as Americans are taught that we have to work, we must work hard, we must win, we must be the wealthiest, have the biggest house, and the best of everything. I used to think that way too, until recently. I realized that "home" is not a place but a feeling. When you understand that, that the things we have do not define our strengths or our weaknesses we realize the wealth of opportunities that we are blessed with. The chance to start anew or to trudge on as we were, only with the new idealization that it is not things that measure our success in life, but it is ourselves.

I feel as though I am rambling, and am probably the only person who can even understand my crazy brain, ha I tend to jump around in my though processes a lot. The point I am trying to make is that, we are all living this life, and we have to choose to either be stuck in a hamster wheel just running to get to the top, to then do what? Or we can set out and choose our path, find out destiny, seek out the road less traveled and learn along the way. I think it serves our children, our nation, and our world much better if we could just get back to our roots, to understand each other's heritage by immersing ourselves in each others' cultures, by enjoying what makes us all unique, and embracing that this life, this world, is truly miraculous, and we only have this one life to live it.

Is it wrong that I don't care what society thinks? I don't care what I am supposed to do, I just want to be me, with no expectations. A dorky, hot mess of a mom, who is sometimes funny, almost always clumsy, and is really really bad at responding to text messages and returning phone calls. Cant we all just accept that this is who I am, who we all are, and move the F*$@ on?! Take it or leave it. I am a hopeless romantic that wants to travel the world, unearth buried treasure, sail the high seas, dance all night, sing at the top of my lungs, love infinitely, and when my day has come, look back on a life so full, that I have nothing to regret, no stone left unturned, no part of my story yet to be completed. This is my life, and I am going to live it.

Who's going with me?

This week though

Sunday, December 04, 2016

I don't even know where to begin with this post. I have been awol for a while and I apologize for all of that, but I must say that this week has been a bit more than most have to deal with in a month and its all been sort of raining down on me, and family and friends, and its just a rough time.

I am also in this weird space, where I have become ridiculously philosophical, and I am having all of these reflections, on life choices, on sliding doors. What if I had gotten on that train, what if I had answered that call, what differences would those changes have made? There was no train, or phone call but there is always a moment, or moments, in your life when you ask yourself those very questions. We tend to say "what if" ALOT, and I think somehow it provides resolution, or satisfaction, or maybe even just a sense of acceptance for a decision we made.

My decisions as of late, or the questions I am contemplating revolve mostly around career choices. I was happily and gainfully employed, and doing something that I enjoyed at least momentarily, But I have also wanted more. Not more money, or more work, but more out of life.

As a child I wanted to become a lawyer, who would eventually, become a judge, and later serve as a supreme court justice. It was not some idea of grandeur, or a crazy idealism of an irrational child, but the honest thoughts about what I would like to do with my life. I wanted to help people, to stand up for the meek, and fight for the rights of those who couldn't. In my current place in life, I would say that is what my role as PTA president has been. An opportunity for me to serve in a capacity with the ability to change the lives of children. To be an advocate for the advocateless and to help the broken. I wanted to improve the lives of the children within my reach, and not on just an emotional level, filling them with small moments of happiness through festivals, and small community events, but by enhancing the opportunities that they were given. I wanted to change their lives. Not for me, but for them. I was one of those children once, I didn't have the funds or resources provided to me that other kids did, and sometimes it was hard and I wished that I had more. I can remember sitting outside of my house and singing "selena" songs wishing that I could be someone else. I suppose all children do that, but for me it was bigger than that. As PTA president, I had the honor and privilege of being named PTA of the year out of our school district, which was a truly remarkable and humbling experience. However, I was still left wanting to do more. I still felt like I hadn't done enough, there were still hungry children, children without necessary access to resources, children who were going without, that were falling through the cracks, so I took on a second term.

I haven't really figured out how I can impart the change I wish to see, what control I actually have over these things, but I would really like to. I would like to contact local sources and grow the awareness of the necessities of children in my area, and focus attention and detail on growing the resources provided to students in my area. I wish that I could do this, its where my heart feels most at home. I struggle with my inability to do so. So with all of that in mind I would like to say that I would honestly, realistically pursue a career in politics. Not to be better than anyone else, or because I know more than anyone. But because, I am a doer, I work hard, and I get things done, and advocating for children's rights, and education is something that we need to fight harder for, They are our future, and we so often lose site of that. As adults we are able to create situations for ourself, change jobs, change homes, etch but as children we are merely by products of that system. Its unfounded and unheard of the amount of funding going to schools that have "high" test scores, because of their excellence in learning, and on the flip side we have the students that truly need the funding, and all of the resources in the world, but they don't get it. I want to change that. I want to fight for the children that need the funding, we don't have to take away from those high performing schools, but we do need to find a way to bridge the gap, and offer those same advantages to the children who need help.

Blah, how do I go about doing this? How do I become a voice for the voiceless, I once listened to a speech on advocacy for students and lobbying on the hill, and it spoke to me in a way unlike anything else I had heard. I was empowered, emblazoned even to be that person, to stand up and say that I am making a difference for children all over this country, and that the weak, or meek have not been forgotten, that we are in fact providing for every child, regardless of their socio-economic background. I am an entire loss though, because getting from here, to there is a big jump, and I don't know where to begin.

In other news, I am presently getting an infusion to treat my lupus, and I am a bit drowsy thanks to the effects of the treatment, so forgive me if this seems like tireless ranting,

Back to the job search conundrum, a part of me has also considered pursuing the fashion blogging thing full time. There are so many fashion bloggers doing such great things, and I envy their success, but without taking any credit away from them, I can't wrap my head around advocating for fashion and investing all of my time into a cause that is not really a cause. So I am stuck between doors, I don't know which way to go, or what other options there are. I can't entirely rule out going back to getting a day job, but it took way more out of me, than even I had realized. Being unemployed has had an incredible affect on my attitude, and outlook on life, which is fantastic, but it has left a bigger hole that needs to be filled.

I must digress, and say that I started this article 2 weeks ago, and I am just now finding the want to finish writing it. There are quite a few grammatical errors etc. and I don't plan to change them, ha! I am going to go ahead and wrap this post up, and write a new one, with where I am at now, and what I am presently thinking.... But with everything in mind, and the fact that this post is stopping mid post, I just want to reiterate that I am a work in progress, as is this blog. I will get there, hopefully with some of you by my side. Until then. - S.

Be the Change

Sliding Doors

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

CONFESSION TIME.... IT IS IN FACT POSSIBLE TO BE "TOO GOOD" AT YOUR JOB. IT IS ALSO POSSIBLE, TO BE SO GOOD, THAT YOU ARE FIRED, AHEM "SEPERATED" FROM IT BECAUSE YOU ARE OVERQUALIFIED FOR YOUR POSITION.

Yup, I was separated from my employment last week. It is honestly a rather laughable situation when you read the first paragraph above. I seriously was "separated from employment," because my 5 year plans were too grand (advancement in any means, and a full work load), and I was clearly over qualified for my current position, so they had no choice but to let me go, for my own good, of course! Ha! I have never been so shocked in all of my life. But like I mentioned in my last post, before this heinous crime on American work ethic and drive occurred, my life has been a bit tumultuous as of late, so it is probably for the best.

In all honesty, I was feeling rather dissatisfied, with being handed crumbs to work on instead of the whole pie. I learned a lot from the situation, I learned even more about how to ethically treat people in the work place, and how to value work product and motivation. I do no know that I will ever understand the idea of firing an employee because they are over qualified, want to advance within the company, are willing to work harder than they currently are, and are asking to sit idle as little as possible. In my world that equivalates to the ideal employee. I guess not in this case. I had to deal with all sorts of Human Resources violations and was absolutely wrongfully terminated, but I hold the company itself with the highest regards, and I would hate to tarnish their brand, simply because one of their employees is absolutely terrible at their job. It is rather unfortunate, because, while I don't plan on pursuing this further, at some point someone will, and it kills me that a great company will be harmed in the process.

Gosh, this whole scenario is such a strange thing. So anyways, back to sliding doors, that door has closed and its time for me to start afresh slide open a new shiny door, and seek gainful employment elsewhere. I do have to decide, where this leaves me. This is a great opportunity to take a look at what it is that I loved about my job, what I excelled at, and what things left me mightily discouraged. I am confident that I will find something else, but my overarching desire to

change the world, to change things, to be a meaningful member of society and to make a mark on this beautiful world, is still there, and that has me baffled. When I went back to work, I do so with gratefulness and ease, and was excited at the idea of re-entering the work place after being a stay at home mom for so many years. This time around, with the tears still fresh, the ink from the printer still drying I have to ask myself, if going back and doing meaningless clerical work, is what I want to do, or if this is the opportunity to change the game. Is it?! How do we know, when it is time, to throw a wrench in the motor, stop everything and change course? Is there some type of sign that drops down from the sky and tells you, this is it, this is your chance to change the world, this is the day you've been waiting for, the cause you have been fighting for all along, the chance to change things, this is IT.

I find it hard to believe, that something like that would just magically fall from the sky and land in my lap, but I also absolutely love the idea of making something from nothing, from creating a beautiful, articulate, lovely picture of a life from scraps and broken pieces. People do it all of the time, so why not me? I am excited, I am encouraged. I have yet to figure out what it is, this thing, this cause, but today, on the eve of what already is the greatest step forward in woman's rights since 1789, I suppose it's a great day to dream big dreams. A woman is on the ticket for President of the United States, she did it, for all of us. She dreamed a dream, sat beside a man who was there, and is now doing it for herself and our nation. I have no idea what her term will look like if elected into office, but I do know, that she is changing the game for women everywhere, and for that, irregardless of what you do or do not think of the candidates or where your vote will fall, we should all be standing together. This is a momentous occasion, women have changed the world. This is my moment, my blessing in disguise, my chance to be a phoenix and rise from the ashes anew. I may not be an electoral candidate but I am still capable of much more than even I know yet, and no man shall ever put asunder what I myself decide to do. I will change the world, I will be the change I wish to see, and that will be enough.

Thanks for listening.
Xo