I really wish I could write more often, I know, I know, I am the only person preventing myself from writing, but it just keeps getting pushed to the back burner.

These last few weeks, months even, have felt like my life is some sort of episodic chaos based reality tv show. Maybe a modern day Truman Show, where the world just keeps tossing me curve balls to see how I handle them. To test my grace, and balance, my agility and where withal. Let me just say, it has been tested, I am not even sure I'm winning at this point, is there a winning in this paradigm? Who knows.. but what I do know, is that I am eagerly awaiting a time that is drama free, one without constant chaos, and one in which I can both follow and listen to the wantings of my heart.

My heart has been hurting for some time now, I have long since recognized that I am an empath, someone who can easily place themselves in the mindset of the broken, or injured, I can feel their pain, mourn their pain as though it was my own. I don't know that this is something that I really do, as opposed to something that is just my nature. I feel things, I feel things so deeply that I often wonder how it is possible to feel so much all at once. Some days I feel so much joy, and love, and excitement and I dream that the day wont end, that I can stay in this moment, or moments forever, that this joy is the joy that dreams are made of, that it is safe to celebrate them, because surely it will last. alas, it never lasts. I swear it is some sort of curse, to feel with so much of yourself, and then undoubtedly be let down by the weight of your own dreams, or reality. I do that a lot, build things up in my head, dream up the perfect birthday, and assume that I am lucky enough to have it, I will think about every last detail and place so much stock in it coming true, and believing that somehow my innate worth is tethered to these details, and always, without fail, without hesitation, and regret, or any warning, it never is as I have planned. Its a day, just like any other day, and who is to say, that I deserve something more? I don't, I deserve a day like any other day, but my head, this crazy head of mine, has so much power, I cant seem to make it remember that, sometimes, this, this life, has to be enough.

I am rambling, I'm not even sure what I wanted this piece to be about. I guess it focuses on an incredibly unfortunate event that happened recently, and the impact it had on me. I felt a pain, that no one else seemed to understand, they couldn't see how it felt so close, so tethered to me. I felt a sense of responsibility to help fix the situation, I wanted to help, I wanted to do what I always say, be a voice for the voiceless, and even when I did say things, and say all of the right things, it did nothing to lift the weight from my chest, the pain from my heart, or to resolute the problem in any way. I just hurt, my heart hurts.

Every day we are faced with tragedy in our schools, in our communities, in our world, and so many of them are senseless. I cant seem to understand why these things keep happening or what we can do differently but I feel as though, doing nothing, is being complacent. As if, because I am not actively working to prevent these senseless tragedies from happening that I am as guilty as the culprit. Are we as a society all guilty? Where do we draw the line, when do we stand up and take action, when do we protect our own, our communities our world? When is enough, enough? Why haven't we figured this stuff out yet?

I cant even manage to control my own life, and my own destiny much less that of the world... perhaps its just me, a friend once told me that, "I like to play the martyr," maybe that's true. Maybe I want to be a martyr, or maybe its just what this world has made me into, I honestly cant say which it is. Maybe it is my destiny to never know, or maybe just maybe, I can find a way to do all of the things, I so desperately want to achieve.