You know what's funny? I seem to always have a desire to write and read and fall in love with literature, but I can never bring myself to pencil in time to write on my blog. I have this desire too, but I think I get lost in the idea of it being imperfect, ad redundant so I just wind up not writing. Anyways, I am writing today so woohoo... no it is not going to be perfect. ha!

Okay, so a lot has been happening in my little world. I wont go into gory details, but its been a bit up and down, and there has been a lot of self examination. A lot of inward thinking, trying to navigate life altering decisions, and repercussions of those. I guess it is haplessly confusing if I don't go into some detail so I will elaborate without trying to bore you with the inexplicable details.

I have a series of medical conditions that cause me intense pain during my "time of the month" within my uterus. The pain isn't the only issue, but it is certainly the main issue. Dealing with lupus I have become an expert at pain management, sleep deprivation- not so much, but pain I can usually hide 9 times out of 10. This is different though, there is no hiding it and its been getting worse.

With all of that being said, my Dr. has encouraged me to have a hysterectomy. Having a hysterectomy is important and almost essential in my case because I have lupus and the medicines I am on to treat it, coupled with my compromised immune system in general put me at a really high risk for heart attack amongst other things, should I get pregnant in general. So obviously pregnancy is not something I should want, obviously I have two children and as all of my doctors keep saying, at least your family is complete.

It is. I suppose. I have two children, I have mentioned it before, but the timing of these decisions coincides with my daughters 7th birthday, which has brought back so many memories or her birth, and my sons and the happy. incredible thoughts that come to mind when you look back and remember how wonderful that was. I mean lets be honest, being a parent to a newborn is HARD, and you don't sleep, and its SO MUCH WORK, but the thought that I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE A BABY AGAIN is kind of really really hard for me. I didn't want more, and I cant have more, because I could die if I did, but the permanence of the situation, the idea that in 3 weeks that possibility will be gone forever is almost deafening. It is excruciatingly painful to think about, and even more so, to think about the possibilities if I didn't move forward with the surgery and then did have to face the inexplicable decision of a childs life or my own-- I wouldn't be able to choose myself, I just don't think that I could. But yet, it scares me so.

I am always trying to focus on long term goals, not focusing on managing my illness for today but trying to preserve the tomorrows and the years from now, but doing everything I can today to make the future easier. This is one of those situations, there are band aid fixes for lupus, and for the conditions within my uterus, however with any band aid solution comes the need for more and more band aids. I just feel like it makes more sense to fix things the right way the first time, than to have to keep re-fixing it every so often. I don't know. I just always try to look to my future and my quality of life, and that of my family. If I can just go through the hard stuff now, and get it over with. than everything will get better and everything will be easier and inherently better right?

Blah. I am over talking about this, these decisions suck, and I'm scared, and I cant stop staring at babies and mourning a loss that I haven't had yet, but its difficult, it is really hard.

Can I just tell Y'all a secret real quick? I am obsessed with time, with its certainty with the fact that it keeps trudging on despite all odds, the seconds keep ticking, the minutes keep passing, and hour after hour, day after day it just goes by, effortlessly so. I am entranced with the idea of a moment, moments, a life that transcends space and time, with this idea that their truly is a love that time will lie down and be still for, that you can somehow infinitely stretch out those seconds and minutes and hours and enjoy those incredible moments a little while longer. I just want to have more time, it is such a futile thing to wonder about, time, sadly we have no control and like I said it keeps going on, but I just wish that I could find more of it. That I could live certain moments in slow motion, to enjoy every second, every ray of sun in the sunrise; every chirp of a birds song, and somehow truly, really, completely enjoy it-- and have the time to! The old saying is, to stop and smell the roses right?! The whole point of that saying is that in life, we don't even find the time to do that... how long does it really take, how have we become so busy that we cant enjoy the little things? I just wish I had more time, more time in those moments before sunrise snuggling with my daughter, giggling and talking amongst ourselves. Playing soccer with my son, before practice starts and just laughing and laughing, imagine if those moments could just last a little longer. I just know that there are things I have missed, either with my kids, or friends or whoever, that I just wish, I would have recognized at the time how profound that moment really was. I guess that's the thing about time, you never know you are having the time of your life until the moments' over.

I guess for now, until we figure out this whole time travel and space time continuum thing, my advice to you would be to remember, that every moment is fleeting. Every giggle, every laugh, every kiss goodnight, every hug, every moment is important, and since we cant make time go slower, we should focus on spending more time in those moments.

If I had it to do over again, I would have done it differently. I would have made other choices, smarter choices. I would have reminded myself that the opinions of those who don't have to deal with the consequences don't matter.  I know what I want now, I know what I would change if I could, I just wish it wasn't to late. Please have the confidence to say what you want to say today, to do what you want to do, irregardless of what others think. Remember, it's your life, you deserve to be happy, and it is far better to regret the things that we did say, than to regret the fact that we never had the courage to say them in the first place.

Always
Serenity